Goonies vs. Gremlins

From the annals of lost Hollywood, a 1980s sequel that America would have eaten after midnight

In the annals of pitches that never crossed the plate, the work of J. Skelton Fogglepock are exceptions to a one. There was, for instance, the script she shopped for most of the years 1991–99, a swaggering sequel to no less than two late 20th-century cultural touchstones.

A pivotal early scene played as follows:

FOG. NEON LIGHTS. THE RAIN-WET BACKSTREETS OF CHINATOWN.

A GREEN LAMP—TEAR-DROP, IRON-WROUGHT—BUZZES OVER A PLAIN RED DOOR.

THREE ADULTS IN WINTER JACKETS AND HATS PILE UP AROUND THE DOOR. “ADULT 1” KNOCKS, THEN TRIES THE KNOB. THEY ALL GO IN.

THE SHOP IS A CLUTTERED NEST OF CURIOSITIES. BRONZE DRAGONS. INCENSE BOWLS. WICKER TRICKS AND PLAYFUL TRAPS AND PUZZLES.

THE TRIO FANS OUT.

ONE OF THE ADULTS, AN ASIAN MAN, PICKS UP A FIST-SIZED CONTRAPTION WITH MANY ATTACHMENTS. A TAG HANGING FROM THE DEVICE READS “BATHROOM BUDDY’.

SOUND OF A CHIME RINGING. SOUND OF A DOOR OPENING. THE ASIAN MAN PUTS DOWN THE CONTRAPTION.

ADULT 1: Guys. He’s coming.

THE GROUP GATHERS AROUND THE SHOP COUNTER. A WIZENED ASIAN MAN IN EMBROIDERED ROBES EMERGES FROM THE BACK.

SHOP OWNER: You have come. Just like I asked.

WE SEE ADULT 1’s FACE NOW. THERE IS AN OLDER MAN’S HEFT TO HIM, BUT HE IS CLEARLY MICHAEL “MIKEY” WALSH, FORMERLY OF ASTORIA, OREGON.

MIKEY: Um, what are we here for, mister? Exactly?

SHOP OWNER: All your life, you avoid destiny.

WE CAN NOW SEE THAT THE ASIAN ADULT OF THE TRIO IS RICHARD “DATA” WANG, FORMERLY OF ASTORIA, OREGON:

DATA: Give me a break, old man. Destiny! What is this, a joke?

SHOP OWNER: No joke. I have searched for you. Many months. I require your help.

DATA: Sorry to disappoint. We’re not really in the “help” business—

MIKEY: Look, you gonna’ answer any questions or just say riddles? What’s going on?

SHOP OWNER: I have lost ... most important treasure.

THE THIRD MEMBER OF THE GROUP STEPS FORWARD. HE WAS ONCE A LOT HEAVIER, AND HIS HEAD IS NOW CLEAN-SHAVEN, BUT WE CAN STILL RECOGNIZE THE EYES AND EAGER EXPRESSIONS OF LAWRENCE “CHUNK” COHEN, FORMERLY OF ASTORIA, OREGON.

CHUNK: You talking real treasure, buddy? I think you need a—

SHOP OWNER: I have lost most important treasure. I have lost friend.

THE SHOP OWNER PRODUCES A LOW, WIDE BOX. ITS SIDES ARE CARVED FROM JADE. THE INCENSE CURLING AROUND THEM GROWS THICKER. THE ROOM FALLS SILENT. THE FAINTEST STRANDS OF A TINY SONG COOED BY A TINY VOICE. MAYBE IT’S IN THE ROOM. MAYBE IT’S ONLY AN IMAGINARY SOUND.

MIKEY: Are those your friend’s … ashes?

SHOP OWNER: No ashes. Nothing in box, now. You return box to me, full again.

CHUNK: I’m sorry, look—

THE OLD MAN CLAPS THE TOP OF THE BOX WITH ONE PALM. THE TRIO JUMPS IN SURPRISE. INCENSE SWIRLS.

SHOP OWNER: For many years, neglect most important mission. Mission for which you are destined. Yes. Once, great seekers of treasure. Save home with treasure. Now, time for great seekers again.

CHUNK: Look, I’m a lawyer, pal. Who’s putting you up to this?

SHOP OWNER: You make mistake. No lawyer. Only one thing.

MIKEY: Guys, I think he knows about Willy.

A DEEP QUIET MOVES THROUGH THE ROOM. AND THEN:

SHOP OWNER: Find friend. Great danger.

CHUNK: You need to call the police. We’re not—

SHOP OWNER: No police. Find friend. Before too late. Too late for him. Too late for others.

DATA: Can we just cut to the chase? Who’s in danger?

MIKEY: And from who?

SHOP OWNER: From whom.

CHUNK: We want nothing to do with this, geezer. You’re gonna hafta—

MIKEY: What’s his name? Your friend? Where did he—

SHOP OWNER: Real name … very old. Very difficult to say. You and I, we call him … mogwai.

DATA: Huh?

SHOP OWNER: Gizmo. Very small. But very big heart. Very big danger, now. Danger to him. Danger to others. You help bring back mogwai.

MIKEY: Why do you think we can help you?

SHOP OWNER: Not me. Friend. You will help because destiny follows you.

MIKEY: What do you mean, destiny follows us?

SHOP OWNER: You know answer already. Maybe you forgot … long time ago, but now you remember.

MIKEY: Remember what?

SHOP OWNER: You remember. Goonies never say die.

CUT TO BLACK. TITLE CARD: Goonies v. Gremlins

— Remnants of a Dream: The Unmade Films of J. Skelton Fogglepock, 1986–1999, William R. Stonnell (Faber and Schlitz’s Film and Culture, 2005)